![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
one of those days
Oct. 4th, 2004 03:30 pmI'm having one of those days when everything is just sucking. First I had a dream that my wedding gown (which I ordered over 6 weeks ago) was discontinued and the designer had sent a letter to the bridal shop requesting that that item no longer be offered for sale. Then I get to work and look at the status of my checking account, which is pathetic. This week alone, I need to lay out a couple of hundred dollars for my friend's bridal shower and shower gift, and there are bills to pay. I paid rent last week, and this week I have other bills, and the cash inflow is just not cutting it.
Get back from lunch (drag myself back from lunch, more like) and I am greeted with professors calling and wondering why the reimbursment for renting a house in Copenhagen for the summer hasn't gone through (asshole, because everysingle year you do this and every single year we tell you not to) and all other manner of bull shit.
And instead of sympathy I get, "Why don't you quit your job?"
Yeah, because I have bills to pay. Remember the above discussion about HAVING NO MONEY? AND NEEDING IT? How can I quit my job now? Who would pay my rent until my lease is up? And how would having NO JOB be better? Then I'd really have no stimulation in my life. I'd spend all my time alone in my parents' house, watching TV and reading. The reading part is fine, but I'd have no motivation to do anything social at all. Like this past weekend, I spent completely alone and I didn't mind. But looking back, what the hell is wrong with me that I didn't even go for a walk? It was a beautiful weekend, the first such weekend in a while, with no rain, no clouds, just a gorgeous blue sky and fair temperatures. And I stayed in wearing pjs, eating turkey bacon and egg whites and drinking gallons of water and watching Gilmore Girls and not reading my book for publishing class.
It's been a while since I came down hard on myself on this journal and I'm not going to apologize for it. I can be hard on myself sometimes, I can be honest about myself sometimes. I don't always have to calm myself down and make myself remember how blessed and lucky I am. Sometimes I want to wallow in my pissy mood and my wasted opportunities and my future of certain failure because of the waste.
Get back from lunch (drag myself back from lunch, more like) and I am greeted with professors calling and wondering why the reimbursment for renting a house in Copenhagen for the summer hasn't gone through (asshole, because everysingle year you do this and every single year we tell you not to) and all other manner of bull shit.
And instead of sympathy I get, "Why don't you quit your job?"
Yeah, because I have bills to pay. Remember the above discussion about HAVING NO MONEY? AND NEEDING IT? How can I quit my job now? Who would pay my rent until my lease is up? And how would having NO JOB be better? Then I'd really have no stimulation in my life. I'd spend all my time alone in my parents' house, watching TV and reading. The reading part is fine, but I'd have no motivation to do anything social at all. Like this past weekend, I spent completely alone and I didn't mind. But looking back, what the hell is wrong with me that I didn't even go for a walk? It was a beautiful weekend, the first such weekend in a while, with no rain, no clouds, just a gorgeous blue sky and fair temperatures. And I stayed in wearing pjs, eating turkey bacon and egg whites and drinking gallons of water and watching Gilmore Girls and not reading my book for publishing class.
It's been a while since I came down hard on myself on this journal and I'm not going to apologize for it. I can be hard on myself sometimes, I can be honest about myself sometimes. I don't always have to calm myself down and make myself remember how blessed and lucky I am. Sometimes I want to wallow in my pissy mood and my wasted opportunities and my future of certain failure because of the waste.
